I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
