I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
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Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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