just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
