The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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