he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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