she looked like the before picture.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
