Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
