The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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