I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
