I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Congratulations! We have a period
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