I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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