Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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