I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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