So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
