How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer