My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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