I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.