I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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