Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
