the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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