Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
