His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
