im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
