my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
