mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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