I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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