I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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