saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
