i may or may not be watching the land before time
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
