My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
