You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
