about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
