she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
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