it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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