What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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