dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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