I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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