im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
