Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize