Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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