You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
