I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
