I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
