You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
