I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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