The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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