You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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