After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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