I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
