This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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