The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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