this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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