Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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