I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
