I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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