Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
