I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
